The trip is now over. I am back in Zurich, working, with my previous boss. I guess, I do appreciate her since she is genuine and does not make you feel like you are someone below her to get some stuff done. Even though I still do a lot of admin stuff for her, it is fine. I feel appreciated.
Again to the purpose of this travel. What did I write again in the very beginning? Ah a lot of questions. Did I meet a lot of people and observed a lot? I did and I tried. Towards the end, maybe less, but maybe it is because of the overload of the last 6 months. Have I tried to convey my feelings? Not quite to be honest. Especially looking at myself now, I am thinking a lot about some things whether I should say or not. I don’t want to scare people way. But for the negative feelings, I hold them back less. And I do not know whether this is a good thing or not … At work, in the house that my parents live .. I shouted at people where usually I would just let things slide through ..
Maybe I found things that I really don’t like. But have I found out what I enjoyed during the whole travel? Which are the best days? Many people have asked me which place is the best where you have been to? I always replied: every place has its own charm, and every place had its own effect on me, also depending what I intended to do. Myanmar had a special place where I was able to discover the poor side and tried to volunteer and meditate. Playa Blanca’s planktons was amazing, Laos was a chill country. Peru is touristic and Bolivia was cold and a bit sad.
I liked many people on the road, but rarely I felt like there is a connection. Maybe sometimes I was not too talkative, we never talked about real topics. We really stayed in my head? Mei, who lost her husband definitely did. She was also interesting in terms of what she did and that she believes in doing what is right. She digged into the things that she wanted to know about. Maybe a part of me is still feeling like to get those small confirmations that people wanted to have me as a part of something … Wout was a good travel companion .. and really anybody else? As for HD, I barely remember how I felt that day we met. And I can’t really follow how I end up in a situation like this. Is it because she always texted me and that made me feel more for her? maybe because she also read the same books I did when we were going through the break-up phase? Is it her smile that the moment we met? At this point, I can’t really understand fully how I feel today and may I am just unsure or anxious about the uncertainties in the future that I don’t have the ability to influence.
So, what do I believe in? I want to build meaningful relationships, where I can trust others and others can rely on me as well. This takes time and time that you need to spend doing things together. Be it work, love, or friends. And other things? I am in general still curious, but looking long term, I am still not that sure where I wanna go to or accomplish. Job wise? not ambitious, financial wise? not ambitious either. Being in Switzerland does not give you the kick of wanting to cover your ass .. somehow you can always manage to do that here. Take a big corporate job if you want to retire easy … in the end, currently, there is one thing that I want, but it is taking too much space in my head that it has become a little bit out of balance. Balance, which was like the key to everything. And I need to re-find it.
In the end, it feels like so many questions unanswered. It feels like I did not even accomplish that much with my travel. And maybe again, I am just in a moment where I am in a tunnel and don’t see the light just yet and I need to keep running …
